1. What is cohabitation?
"Cohabitation" is commonly
referred to as "living together." It describes the relationship
of a man and woman who are sexually active and share a household, though
they are not married.
2. Why is cohabitation such a concern for
the Church?
As you work with your priest during this
time of preparation for marriage, you will speak with him about many
issues. But the Church is particularly concerned about cohabitation
because the practice is so common today and because, in the long run, it
is causing great unhappiness for families in the Church. This is true,
above all, because - even though society may approve of the practice -
cohabitation simply cannot be squared with God's plan for marriage. This
may be why most couples who live together before marriage find married
life difficult to sustain for very long.
The Church does not invent laws. It passes
on and interprets what God has revealed through the ages. No one in the
Church has the right to change what Jesus has taught. To do so would be to
deprive people of saving truths that were meant for all time. Our
Christian faith teaches that a sexual relationship belongs only in
marriage. Sex outside of marriage shows disrespect for the sacrament of
marriage, the sacredness of sex, and human dignity.
3. We have good reasons for living
together before our wedding. Why can't the Church just accept that?
The Church cares for you as a parent cares
for a beloved son or daughter. Knowing that cohabitation increases a
couples' chance of marital failure, the Church wants to protect you and
preserve your happiness. Besides, most couples don't really evaluate the
reasons they give to justify their decision. Think about it:
Reason 1: "It's
more convenient for us."
"Convenience" is a good thing,
but it's not the basis for making a decision that will affect your entire
life. Married life is sometimes inconvenient and even demanding.
Cohabitation for convenience is poor preparation for that kind of
commitment. Research bears this out. Studies show that those who live
together before marriage tend to prefer "change,"
"experimentation" and open-ended lifestyles - all of which could
lead to instability in marriage. One study, conducted by researchers at
the University of Chicago and the University of Michigan, concluded that
couples who cohabit tend to experience superficial communication and
uncommitted decision-making once they are married. Cohabitation for
convenience does not allow for the careful thought and adequate
"space" necessary for making wise life decisions.
Reason 2: "We're
trying to save money for the wedding, so living together is more
economical."
Sure, you might save the price of monthly
rent, but you're sacrificing something more valuable. Engagement is more
than just time to plan the party. It is a time for deeper discussion and
more thorough reflection, which are best carried out in a detached way.
Couples who are living together do not have the luxury of such detachment.
So whatever expenses you save, you'll likely pay more in the end. Dr.
Joyce Brothers said it well in an article on cohabitation:
"short-term savings are less important than investing in a lifetime
relationship."
Reason 3: "Because
of the high divorce rate, we want to see if things work out first."
Studies consistently show that couples who
live together score significantly lower in both marital communications and
overall satisfaction. On the surface, a trial run at marriage may seem to
make sense, allowing one to screen out less compatible mates. But it
doesn't work out that way. Couples who live together before marriage
actually have a 50% greater chance of divorce than those who don't. And
about 60% of couples who cohabit break up without marrying. Living
together before marriage is different from living together in marriage,
because there is no binding commitment to support the relationship.
Reason 4: "We
need to get to know one another first. Later we'll start having
kids."
Cohabitation is actually the worst way to
get to know another person, because it shortcuts the true development of
lasting friendship. Those who live together before marriage often report
an over-reliance on sexual expression and less emphasis on conversation
and other ways of communication - ways that ultimately lead to a more
fulfilling sexual union after marriage. Traditionally, the process of
dating or "courtship" has led couples to a deeper appreciation
of one another through conversation, shared ideals and dreams, and a
mutual understanding of one another's values.
Reason 5: "The
Church is just outdated and out of touch with its thinking in this matter.
Birth control made those old rules obsolete."
That's just not true. In the early days of
the Church, living together outside of marriage was common among the
non-Christians in the Roman Empire - as was the use of artificial
contraception. But these practices were devastating for individuals,
families, and society. Women were treated as disposable objects, mere toys
for sexual pleasure, to be discarded when passions waned. The Christian
vision of marriage and family led to happiness and fulfillment for
individuals and families - and a great renewal of culture and society. Far
from being outmoded, then as now, the Church's teaching is revolutionary -
and it works!
4. Why does the Church interfere in the
sex lives of couples? It's really just a private matter between us.
Sex is intensely private and personal, but
it also has deep moral and social dimensions. Sex works as a primary
bonding agent in families and the family is the building block of society.
Sexual rights and wrongs influence the health and happiness of
individuals, families and neighborhoods. That's why sexual behavior has
always been the subject of many civil laws. The Church, of course, wishes
to safeguard the family and society. But, more than that, the Church
wishes to safeguard your relationship with your future spouse and with
God. Sex is the act that seals and renews the couple's marriage covenant
before God. Sexual sins, then, are not just between a man and a woman, but
between the couple and God. And that's the Church's responsibility. Sex is
not simply a private matter. If it's between you and God, it's between you
and the Church. You need to ask yourself: "When do I stop being a
Christian? When I close the bedroom door? When does my relationship with
God cease to matter?"
5. But, really, how does what we do with
our own bodies affect our relationship with each other and our spiritual
relationship with God?
The gift of your body in sexual
intercourse is a profound symbol of the giving of your whole self. In
making love, the husband and wife are saying to one another in "body
language" what they said to each other at the altar on their wedding
day: "I am yours, for life!" God created sex to be physically
pleasurable and emotionally fulfilling. But it is even greater than all
that. It is, above all, the deepest sign of the complete gift of self that
a husband and wife pledge to each other. This mutual gift empowers the
couple to become co-creators with God in giving life to a new person, a
baby. According to God's design, the gift of sexual union has two primary
purposes: strengthening married love and sharing that love with children.
The only "place" where this
total self-giving between a man and a woman is to take place is in
marriage. It is the only "place" where children can be raised
with the secure, committed love of a mother and a father. So sexual
intimacy belongs only in marriage. Outside of marriage, sex is a lie. The
action says: "I give you my whole self" - but the man and woman
are really holding back their commitment, their fertility, and their
relationship with God. Before giving your body to another person, you need
to give your whole life, and you need to receive your spouse's whole life
in return - and that can only happen in marriage.
6. Why can't I just follow my conscience
if I believe living together is okay?
People can be wrong in matters of
conscience, and people often are. Where our self-interest is concerned,
our capacity for self-deception is huge. Here, as in everything we do, we
need an objective standard to tell us if our conscience is properly formed
and able to make right judgments. Morality is not a matter of opinion or
"gut feeling." Conscience is God's voice, speaking the truth
deep within your heart. It's unlikely - if not impossible - that God would
contradict His own commandments just for your convenience or desires. You
are acting in good conscience when you choose to do what God intends. The
choice to live together outside a marriage is always wrong and sinful.
7. Why does the Church claim that living
together is a scandal to others? Many of our family and friends are doing
the same thing.
Just because everyone does something
doesn't make it right or any less serious. A couple's choice to live
together is not simply made in isolation. It affects everyone in
relationship with these two people - parents, brothers, sisters, friends,
and even other members of the parish. A cohabiting couple implicitly
communicates that there is nothing wrong breaking God's law. This can be
especially misleading to young children - nieces, nephews, and children of
friends - who are impressionable and whose moral reasoning is immature.
8. What is the best way to prepare
ourselves spiritually for our upcoming marriage?
"A wedding is for a day, but a
marriage is for a lifetime." That can be a long and happy time, but
only with good preparation. The best way to get ready for marriage is to
practice your faith. Catholics do this by faithful attendance at weekly
Sunday Mass, by going to the Sacrament of Penance (confession), by prayer,
and by practicing works of charity. If you haven't been attending Mass
regularly, your parish priest will want to see you back. If it's been a
long time since your last confession, your priest will help you.
Confession is a necessary step if you have already been cohabiting. During
the days of preparation, you are strongly encouraged to pray together as a
couple, read Scripture, and lead a virtuous life. For guidance, look to
other couples with strong Christian values.
9. Why should we need to separate now?
It's just an arbitrary rule of the Church.
The Church's teaching on cohabitation is
not an "arbitrary" rule. Living together before marriage is a
sin because it violates God's commandments and the law of the Church. St.
Paul lists this sin - technically called "fornication" among the
sins (whether within or outside cohabitation) that can keep a person from
reaching heaven (see 1 Corinthians 6:9) Cohabitation works against the
heart's deepest desires and greatly increases the chances of a failed
marriage.
If you are honest with yourself, every
practical consideration will tell you that separating before marriage is
the right thing to do. It is a decision to turn away from sin and to
follow Christ and His teaching. That is always the right decision. But
it's a good decision for other important reasons, too:
- it will strengthen your marriage
- it will deepen your friendship
- it will foster deeper intimacy and
communion
- it will build up your problem-solving
and communications skills
- it will give your marriage a greater
chance for success
You may think you are unique and that your
passion for each other will never wane. But that's what most couples
think. No one goes into marriage planning for a breakup; yet a majority of
couples today do break up. You want to be one of the exceptional couples
who not only succeed in marriage, but also live together in happiness and
fulfillment.
Some couples who are living together think
that separation before marriage is artificial or meaningless. Some fear
that halting sexual activity will be harmful to the relationship. But this
is rarely the case. Sometimes in marriage, too, a sexual relationship will
have to be suspended for a time due to illness, military service, business
travel, or the good of a spouse. Relationships not only survive this , but
actually grow stronger. God rewards such sacrifices with graces for a good
relationship. Abstaining from sex will also enable you to rely on other
means of communication, which ultimately will empower you to get to know
each other in a deeper, lasting way.
10. What good will following the Church's
teachings do for us anyway?
Catholic teaching in this matter brings
rich blessings to those couples who willingly accept it. The Good News of
Jesus frees you to enjoy intimacy even more:
- by appreciating your spouse as a
person, not an object
- by living in a stable, secure,
permanent, and faithful relationship
- by expressing true, committed love
rather than simply satisfying a physical urge
Married life has a special place in God's
plan. Like everything good, it requires sacrifices. But they're small
compared to the rewards. Seek first the Kingdom of God; everything else
you desire will be given to you - and more!
11. RELATED ARTICLES:
Questions for Reflection and
Prayer:
- As an engaged couple, why did you
choose to cohabit before marriage?
- What have the two of you learned from
your experience of living together? What have you learned about
yourselves as a couple and as individuals?
- What is the driving force behind your
decision to marry at this time? What has changed in the relationship
and made you wish to marry and have your marriage blessed in this
Church?
- Was there a previous reluctance or
hesitation to marry? If so, why? Have those issues been completely
resolved?
- Why are you seeking marriage in the
Catholic Church?
- What does marriage as a sacrament mean
to the two of you?
- How do you see your faith and love for
each other as an intimate part of your marriage?
- How do you want your marriage to be
open to life?
"At the beginning, the Creator made
them male and female and declared for this reason a man shall leave his
father and mother and cleave to his wife. And the two shall become as one.
Thus, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, let no man separate
what God has joined."
- Matthew 19:4-6
"The intimate community of life and
love which constitutes the married state has been established by the
Creator and endowed by him with its own proper laws . . . God himself is
the author of marriage."
- The Church in the
Modern World, Vatican II, 48
"The conjugal covenant
of marriage opens the spouses to a lasting communion of love and life, and
it is brought to completion in a full and specific way with the
procreation of children. The communion of spouses gives rise to the
community of the family."
- Letter to Families,
Pope John Paul II, 7
"Sexuality, by means of which man and
woman give themselves to one another through the acts which are proper and
exclusive to spouses . . . is realized in a truly human way only if it is
an integral part of the love by which a man and woman commit themselves
totally to one another until death . . .That total physical self-giving
would be a lie if it were not the sign and fruit of a total personal
self-giving."
- Familiaris Consortio,
Pope John Paul II, 11
"The spouses' union achieves the
twofold end of marriage: the good of the spouses themselves and the
transmission of life. These two meanings or values of marriage cannot be
separated without altering the couple's spiritual life and compromising
the goods of marriage and the future of the family. The conjugal love of
man and woman thus stands under the twofold obligation of fidelity and
fecundity."
- Catechism of the
Catholic Church, 2363
"The very preparation for Christian
marriage is itself a journey of faith. It is a special opportunity for the
engaged to rediscover and deepen the faith received in Baptism and
nourished by their Christian upbringing. In this way they come to
recognize and freely accept their vocation to follow Christ and to serve
the Kingdom of God in the married state."
- Pope John Paul II, The
Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World
|
